The following is a tour of  “doctor speak” – the terms that doctors routinely use. Often, doctor language is obscure. Sometimes the obscurity is intentional. See the expression “surgical misadventure” Sometimes the obscurity is hard-baked into medicine, as the profession continues to use Greek and Latin names for body parts and for diseases. Finally, doctor terms show the wry sense of humor that doctors and nurses cultivate to survive. See the expression “celestial discharge.”

How to speak like a doctor

1. Your illness is “idiopathic.” This means doctors have no idea what triggered your illness. We do not know the cause. It is just one of those things that pops up for no reason known to doctors.

2. On the other hand, your illness is “iatrogenic” carries a very different meaning.  It means it was triggered by something your doctor did, perhaps a medicine we gave you, or a surgery gone awry. It could be an adverse reaction to a medicine. Or maybe the surgeon accidently clipped the nerves to your bladder, which is why you can no longer control your bladder. 

3. .By the way, the word for surgery gone awry is “surgical misadventure.”

4. “Psychosomatic” means your doctor thinks you are making it up. This is almost invariably applied to a female patient. You are told, “You have a headache (or stomach pain) because you are stressed.”  Rather than the doctor taking your complaint seriously, he or she goes to a default position and assumes you are over-reacting to everyday stress. It takes longer for a female to be diagnosed with serious causes for a headache or for stomach pain because of the longstanding tradition of discounting women’s complaints.

5. Medicine is chockful of Greek and Latin words. “Hyperthyroidism” means your thyroid is pumping out too much hormone. “Hypo” means too little. The heart is called cardio. The lungs are called pulmonary. A kidney stone is a nephrolithiasis. Kidney—stone—inflammation. A kidney infection is pyelonephritis. What is the goal of everything being in Greek or Latin? When medicine was codified, it was based on Greek or Latin medical books from 2,000 years ago. The upshot right now is that you do not know what your doctor is talking about, which is handy for your doctor. They can use these words and keep you mystified.

6. “Celestial discharge.” You ask the nurse, “Where is Mr. Smith in bed three?” She usually tells you he has either been discharged home or transferred to the Intensive Care Unit. Occasionally, she will say “He has had a “celestial discharge.” The latter is not good, as it means the patient has been discharged to heaven.

–Excerpted from “Yankee Doctor in the Bible Belt,” available on Amazon.com or Barnesandnoble.com.